I have been quite remiss in posting as of late, but I have exciting news...we brought home our son (baby number two) on August 30!
I have much to write about regarding the experience, the name, having two, etc. I will be back up and running soon.
Thanks for staying tuned...
AKD
September 30, 2009
August 13, 2009
What’s in a Name, Part 2
This isn’t the first time I’ve blogged about names and naming a child, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. This is a new angle (at least for me) on the whole naming thing, though. Just some random thoughts and unsolicited advice.
Basically, I’ve always found it a little odd when people don’t want to tell anyone the name(s) they’ve chosen for their baby. Why not? Afraid someone might steal it? I hate to break it to you, but unless you made up the name completely, you aren’t the first to name your child that and you certainly won’t be the last. At least this is how I’ve thought about it in the past.
Or maybe you’re afraid people won’t like the name. Until recently, I didn’t get that either. I mean come on, if someone doesn’t like the name, who cares? Obviously you like it or you wouldn’t have chosen it. Names are personal and very subjective—not everyone’s going to like the name you chose. If you like it, that’s all that matters. (As long as you aren’t naming the kid after a type of fruit or a motorized vehicle. But hey, that’s just my opinion.)
Now that my husband and I have been discussing names—in the hopes of having a little one, one of these days—I finally get it.
For some reason, people feel at liberty to tell you exactly how they feel about a name when you’re just trying it on for size. Whereas, if you tell people the name you’ve chosen after the baby is born, they’ll likely not say anything negative. This won’t stop them from saying it behind your back, to your friends or family, but at least you won’t have to hear it.
There’s a certain comfort, if that’s the right word, in being shielded from people’s true feelings on a name you’ve chosen. The last thing you want to deal with as a new parent is worrying that you’ve somehow done your child a disservice by bestowing upon him/her a name your mother’s best friend’s sister doesn’t like. Really.
To all the parents and soon-to-be-parents: Pick a name and be proud. Share it confidently and don’t ask for anyone’s opinion or seek approval.
To friends and family: Bite your tongue when a friend or family member shares a chosen name with you that you don’t like. Just be thankful no one’s going to call you by that name.
I’ll leave you with this very profound English proverb:
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
Basically, I’ve always found it a little odd when people don’t want to tell anyone the name(s) they’ve chosen for their baby. Why not? Afraid someone might steal it? I hate to break it to you, but unless you made up the name completely, you aren’t the first to name your child that and you certainly won’t be the last. At least this is how I’ve thought about it in the past.
Or maybe you’re afraid people won’t like the name. Until recently, I didn’t get that either. I mean come on, if someone doesn’t like the name, who cares? Obviously you like it or you wouldn’t have chosen it. Names are personal and very subjective—not everyone’s going to like the name you chose. If you like it, that’s all that matters. (As long as you aren’t naming the kid after a type of fruit or a motorized vehicle. But hey, that’s just my opinion.)
Now that my husband and I have been discussing names—in the hopes of having a little one, one of these days—I finally get it.
For some reason, people feel at liberty to tell you exactly how they feel about a name when you’re just trying it on for size. Whereas, if you tell people the name you’ve chosen after the baby is born, they’ll likely not say anything negative. This won’t stop them from saying it behind your back, to your friends or family, but at least you won’t have to hear it.
There’s a certain comfort, if that’s the right word, in being shielded from people’s true feelings on a name you’ve chosen. The last thing you want to deal with as a new parent is worrying that you’ve somehow done your child a disservice by bestowing upon him/her a name your mother’s best friend’s sister doesn’t like. Really.
To all the parents and soon-to-be-parents: Pick a name and be proud. Share it confidently and don’t ask for anyone’s opinion or seek approval.
To friends and family: Bite your tongue when a friend or family member shares a chosen name with you that you don’t like. Just be thankful no one’s going to call you by that name.
I’ll leave you with this very profound English proverb:
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
August 10, 2009
All You Need are (Positive) Words
Did anyone hear the segment on Talk of the Nation (NPR) a few weeks back about the prolific use (particularly in middle schoolers) of the phrase, “That’s so gay,” and it’s implications on gay kids, society, etc.? It reminded me of a recent conversation my husband had with a seven year old neighbor girl who asked, “Was Ava adopted?” And then concluded, “So, her mom didn’t want her?”
Being only seven, we know the girl meant no harm by the question/comment. But it was what is commonly referred to as a “teachable moment” which got me thinking. Not only was it a teachable moment for the seven year old, but one for us as well.
As I thought about how to help arm Ava with a response—one that she’s comfortable with—to these types of comments, I also thought about how prior to having a child, I would have never thought to talk with my children about the appropriate choice of words when asking potentially sensitive questions. Or how phrases (like, “that’s so gay”) can be interpreted by some.
We as parents have a responsibility to help our kids navigate though language and word choice, and that becomes especially apparent as an adoptive parent. I am not naïve, I don’t think we can control everything our kids say—nor should we try—but we are obligated to ensure they understand the implications of the words they choose, whether you’re an adoptive parent or not.
There are a lot of adoption resources out there (especially on the web) that list what’s considered “positive adoption language.” While it is important to be aware of this language and use it—especially as an adoptive parent; sometimes we don’t get it right either!—it is also important to have open and honest discussions with your child(ren), whether they were adopted or not, to help them understand these phrases, what they mean, why/how they can be hurtful, etc.
I still get really inappropriately worded questions asked of me, about Ava’s adoption, from adults. It’s amazing to me some of the things that come out of people’s mouths, so how can we expect our children to phrase things respectfully and appropriately?
It all starts with awareness. Sometimes people have no idea how their questions or comments are perceived. I realize that, and I know most people mean no harm by their questions. But I’m also surprised. If we just take half a second to think before speaking sometimes, we might realize how a particular question could be perceived by—and be hurtful to—the person being asked.
It’s our job—not just as adoptive parents, but as parents and educators, in general—to help people, especially children, understand their word choice. True, part of this is due to the fact that we’ve become so “P.C.” about everything; in some cases I think we’ve taken it to the extreme.
But when it comes to word choice that can have a profoundly negative impact on another human being, we need to be more sensitive. Ah, those little life lessons.
Being only seven, we know the girl meant no harm by the question/comment. But it was what is commonly referred to as a “teachable moment” which got me thinking. Not only was it a teachable moment for the seven year old, but one for us as well.
As I thought about how to help arm Ava with a response—one that she’s comfortable with—to these types of comments, I also thought about how prior to having a child, I would have never thought to talk with my children about the appropriate choice of words when asking potentially sensitive questions. Or how phrases (like, “that’s so gay”) can be interpreted by some.
We as parents have a responsibility to help our kids navigate though language and word choice, and that becomes especially apparent as an adoptive parent. I am not naïve, I don’t think we can control everything our kids say—nor should we try—but we are obligated to ensure they understand the implications of the words they choose, whether you’re an adoptive parent or not.
There are a lot of adoption resources out there (especially on the web) that list what’s considered “positive adoption language.” While it is important to be aware of this language and use it—especially as an adoptive parent; sometimes we don’t get it right either!—it is also important to have open and honest discussions with your child(ren), whether they were adopted or not, to help them understand these phrases, what they mean, why/how they can be hurtful, etc.
I still get really inappropriately worded questions asked of me, about Ava’s adoption, from adults. It’s amazing to me some of the things that come out of people’s mouths, so how can we expect our children to phrase things respectfully and appropriately?
It all starts with awareness. Sometimes people have no idea how their questions or comments are perceived. I realize that, and I know most people mean no harm by their questions. But I’m also surprised. If we just take half a second to think before speaking sometimes, we might realize how a particular question could be perceived by—and be hurtful to—the person being asked.
It’s our job—not just as adoptive parents, but as parents and educators, in general—to help people, especially children, understand their word choice. True, part of this is due to the fact that we’ve become so “P.C.” about everything; in some cases I think we’ve taken it to the extreme.
But when it comes to word choice that can have a profoundly negative impact on another human being, we need to be more sensitive. Ah, those little life lessons.
July 20, 2009
References to Adoption
Since adopting, I have a heightened awareness to the mention of adoption or adoption related issues in books, TV, and movies. What I may not have paid too much attention to in the past, now often saddens, irritates, or frustrates me.
I’m currently reading a great fiction book that I am thoroughly enjoying. That is, until I got the part where the young couple is trying desperately to conceive a baby and the husband suggests adoption (which I was thinking, as they went through five miscarriages). The woman says simply: “no, that seems fake; somehow cheating.” Huh?
Wow. Do some people actually think that? That is so sad. I’m not really even sure what to say to that.
To me, the most important thing has always been loving, caring for, and raising a child. Makes no difference to me where that child came from (my belly or someone else’s); my child is my child. Physically giving birth to a child doesn’t make you any more or less of a parent than adopting a child. And it most certainly is not cheating or by any means fake.
How our families are made—be that by choice, circumstance, or any other way—is what it is. We are family and we are real.
It’s okay to say, “hey, that’s not okay” when we see or hear adoption being talked about in ways that are disrespectful or the like. One of the things that comes with adoption is adoption advocacy (thankfully, I love to advocate, loudly, for the things I am most passionate about!); it’s our job to help educate the general public, for the sake of our children—they need to see us advocating for them in a positive manner.
We can start by educating ourselves, then our families, followed by our friends. Then maybe we’ll start to see some positive adoption references in the media and in books, on TV and in movies.
Go forward and advocate!
I’m currently reading a great fiction book that I am thoroughly enjoying. That is, until I got the part where the young couple is trying desperately to conceive a baby and the husband suggests adoption (which I was thinking, as they went through five miscarriages). The woman says simply: “no, that seems fake; somehow cheating.” Huh?
Wow. Do some people actually think that? That is so sad. I’m not really even sure what to say to that.
To me, the most important thing has always been loving, caring for, and raising a child. Makes no difference to me where that child came from (my belly or someone else’s); my child is my child. Physically giving birth to a child doesn’t make you any more or less of a parent than adopting a child. And it most certainly is not cheating or by any means fake.
How our families are made—be that by choice, circumstance, or any other way—is what it is. We are family and we are real.
It’s okay to say, “hey, that’s not okay” when we see or hear adoption being talked about in ways that are disrespectful or the like. One of the things that comes with adoption is adoption advocacy (thankfully, I love to advocate, loudly, for the things I am most passionate about!); it’s our job to help educate the general public, for the sake of our children—they need to see us advocating for them in a positive manner.
We can start by educating ourselves, then our families, followed by our friends. Then maybe we’ll start to see some positive adoption references in the media and in books, on TV and in movies.
Go forward and advocate!
July 07, 2009
My Unconventional Family
A couple of months ago, I attended my niece’s wedding and discovered (or rediscovered, rather), to my utter delight, just how truly unconventional my family really is. In attendance were: my daughter (transracially-adopted at birth), my niece’s estranged father’s second ex-wife (her father was not there), my mother (no blood relation to my niece, but rather the ex-step-mom of my niece’s mom, my half-sister), my mother’s step-father (no blood relation to my niece or sister, but whom my sister still calls “grampa”), and various other oddly related—or not related at all—relatives.
At one point my mother commented on what a dysfunctional family we have. Dysfunctional? I questioned. No way—we’re actually quite functional. Unconventional? Most definitely. What our family—as odd as it may seem to outsiders—has effectively done is weed out the “bad seeds” and keep all the good ones. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.
A family is a family, no matter how you came to be. If it works for you, nothing else matters. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything.
At one point my mother commented on what a dysfunctional family we have. Dysfunctional? I questioned. No way—we’re actually quite functional. Unconventional? Most definitely. What our family—as odd as it may seem to outsiders—has effectively done is weed out the “bad seeds” and keep all the good ones. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.
A family is a family, no matter how you came to be. If it works for you, nothing else matters. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything.
June 03, 2009
What is the Magic Number?
I always thought I wanted at least two children, maybe three. But things are just not working out (it’s been a year and a half since trying to adopt a second child) and maybe the “plan” is for us to have only one. I’m not feeling sorry for myself; I don’t work that way. I’m just trying to be honest with myself, and prepare myself (as best I can) for what the future may hold.
Let’s face it; I’m not getting any younger. I know people have kids at a lot older age than I am now, but I do not want to be 40 bringing home an infant (and, well, 40 isn’t that far away). And, we’ve got a great thing going right now: a wonderful, amazing four-year-old daughter that we feel so lucky to have, we can afford to do things we might not be able to afford with two (or three) kids (like vacations!), and we’re comfortable. By that I mean, we’ve got our “routine” down and we’re all three having a great time together.
But I have to admit, I finally understand how those women who have one or two children—but desperately want another child—feel. For the longest time, I couldn’t help but think, “Get over it, Ladies! You have one (or two) wonderful children at home. If you want another so badly and can’t get pregnant, adopt already.”
Ah, the irony of it all.
It breaks my heart to write this, let alone think it. I really feel I’m meant to parent more than one child. And I don’t want people assuming I’m feeling sorry for myself. I appreciate the sentiment and support of my family and friends—I truly do—and I know people are just trying to help when they tell me to be patient or that “good things come to those who wait.”
But having gone through this process before (though with our daughter, the whole process took just barely nine months), I know all to well that we adoptive parents do a whole lot of waiting. And let’s face it; waiting for some unknown or unforeseen future is really hard to do.
Actually, it sucks.
You feel like your life is on hold. You move along with your day to day stuff, but you don’t want to make any really big future decisions (like whether or not I should start grad school in the Fall) until you know for certain whether or not a child will be joining your family. Life just feels so unsettled.
So, for now I suppose I’ll just stay the course and try to prepare myself as best as I can (as I continue waiting) for all the possibilities: that one, two, or maybe even three child(ren) are in future.
Let’s face it; I’m not getting any younger. I know people have kids at a lot older age than I am now, but I do not want to be 40 bringing home an infant (and, well, 40 isn’t that far away). And, we’ve got a great thing going right now: a wonderful, amazing four-year-old daughter that we feel so lucky to have, we can afford to do things we might not be able to afford with two (or three) kids (like vacations!), and we’re comfortable. By that I mean, we’ve got our “routine” down and we’re all three having a great time together.
But I have to admit, I finally understand how those women who have one or two children—but desperately want another child—feel. For the longest time, I couldn’t help but think, “Get over it, Ladies! You have one (or two) wonderful children at home. If you want another so badly and can’t get pregnant, adopt already.”
Ah, the irony of it all.
It breaks my heart to write this, let alone think it. I really feel I’m meant to parent more than one child. And I don’t want people assuming I’m feeling sorry for myself. I appreciate the sentiment and support of my family and friends—I truly do—and I know people are just trying to help when they tell me to be patient or that “good things come to those who wait.”
But having gone through this process before (though with our daughter, the whole process took just barely nine months), I know all to well that we adoptive parents do a whole lot of waiting. And let’s face it; waiting for some unknown or unforeseen future is really hard to do.
Actually, it sucks.
You feel like your life is on hold. You move along with your day to day stuff, but you don’t want to make any really big future decisions (like whether or not I should start grad school in the Fall) until you know for certain whether or not a child will be joining your family. Life just feels so unsettled.
So, for now I suppose I’ll just stay the course and try to prepare myself as best as I can (as I continue waiting) for all the possibilities: that one, two, or maybe even three child(ren) are in future.
May 20, 2009
Open + Adoption = Love
The word “open,” when put together with the word “adoption,” can be a scary concept for many unfamiliar with its true meaning and intention. I know we had our reservations before adopting our daughter. But then we talked with friends who had adopted and who had been adopted, talked with our adoption agency coordinator, and did some further research on our own.
There are a lot of misconceptions about what open adoption really means. And because all domestic adoptions are now considered “open,” I can see why that might frighten a prospective adoptive family. My hope is to help ease that fear a bit because open adoption can be a wonderful thing for everyone involved.
In a nutshell, open adoption means a sharing of information between the birth and adoptive families (the records, so to speak, aren’t sealed like back in the “old” days). It can also allow for an ongoing relationship with the birthmother (and possibly her extended family), which can be an amazing, rather than scary, thing for the child, as well as for the adoptive and birth families. But the level of information shared is up to both the birthmother and the adoptive family. Just like with any relationship, it builds over time.
The degree of openness between an adoptive family and a birth family is usually decided before the child is born and is something both parties agree to. It doesn’t mean the birthmother will be at your house every weekend (unless through the building of your relationship with her, you all decide you want to spend that much time together). But whatever level of openness is agreed upon, it needs to be honored throughout the child’s life.
Studies have shown time and time again that if a child who was adopted has some information about his or her birth family, that child may not struggle with some identity issues and the like. Think about how hard it would be to know absolutely nothing about where you came from. Now think about what it would be like to at least know the name of your birthmother and maybe to have photo or a letter from her. Even better, what if you got to meet that person and build a relationship with her?
It truly is an amazing thing—a child can never be loved by too many people.
When researching “open adoption” for this post, I was saddened by some information I came across from a few extremely negative women telling birthmothers that open adoption is a lie and that once you “give up” your child, you will never see him or her again. It breaks my heart to read that adoptive parents have gone back on their word to have an open adoption and are not remaining in contact with a birthmother. What’s even more heart-breaking (for me personally) is that I know a birthmom that this happened to.
It’s inexcusable, and frankly despicable in my opinion, that an adoptive family would not honor their commitment. Open adoption has many benefits for a child, as well as for the birth and adoptive families. If honoring the openness of domestic adoption, as well as respecting the birthmother who gave life to the child you adopt, is not something you can see yourself doing, International adoption is probably the way to go for you.
With our daughter, though we have an “open” adoption, we don’t have a relationship with our birthmother. We send pictures and letters twice a year, but we don’t hear back from her. This saddens us and we hope to one day have a relationship with her, but she isn’t yet comfortable with that. We respect her feelings. In the meantime, we honor her by telling our daughter her adoption story (at our daughter’s request) every night before bed. We share as much information as we have—including a photograph—and let our daughter know she is loved by many.
Additional information on open adoption:
http://adopting.adoption.com/child/open-adoption.html
http://www.kir.org/adoption/benefits-of-open-adoption.html
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/benefits.html
http://www.lfsneb.org/adoptionservices/adoption/infant/benefits.asp
There are a lot of misconceptions about what open adoption really means. And because all domestic adoptions are now considered “open,” I can see why that might frighten a prospective adoptive family. My hope is to help ease that fear a bit because open adoption can be a wonderful thing for everyone involved.
In a nutshell, open adoption means a sharing of information between the birth and adoptive families (the records, so to speak, aren’t sealed like back in the “old” days). It can also allow for an ongoing relationship with the birthmother (and possibly her extended family), which can be an amazing, rather than scary, thing for the child, as well as for the adoptive and birth families. But the level of information shared is up to both the birthmother and the adoptive family. Just like with any relationship, it builds over time.
The degree of openness between an adoptive family and a birth family is usually decided before the child is born and is something both parties agree to. It doesn’t mean the birthmother will be at your house every weekend (unless through the building of your relationship with her, you all decide you want to spend that much time together). But whatever level of openness is agreed upon, it needs to be honored throughout the child’s life.
Studies have shown time and time again that if a child who was adopted has some information about his or her birth family, that child may not struggle with some identity issues and the like. Think about how hard it would be to know absolutely nothing about where you came from. Now think about what it would be like to at least know the name of your birthmother and maybe to have photo or a letter from her. Even better, what if you got to meet that person and build a relationship with her?
It truly is an amazing thing—a child can never be loved by too many people.
When researching “open adoption” for this post, I was saddened by some information I came across from a few extremely negative women telling birthmothers that open adoption is a lie and that once you “give up” your child, you will never see him or her again. It breaks my heart to read that adoptive parents have gone back on their word to have an open adoption and are not remaining in contact with a birthmother. What’s even more heart-breaking (for me personally) is that I know a birthmom that this happened to.
It’s inexcusable, and frankly despicable in my opinion, that an adoptive family would not honor their commitment. Open adoption has many benefits for a child, as well as for the birth and adoptive families. If honoring the openness of domestic adoption, as well as respecting the birthmother who gave life to the child you adopt, is not something you can see yourself doing, International adoption is probably the way to go for you.
With our daughter, though we have an “open” adoption, we don’t have a relationship with our birthmother. We send pictures and letters twice a year, but we don’t hear back from her. This saddens us and we hope to one day have a relationship with her, but she isn’t yet comfortable with that. We respect her feelings. In the meantime, we honor her by telling our daughter her adoption story (at our daughter’s request) every night before bed. We share as much information as we have—including a photograph—and let our daughter know she is loved by many.
Additional information on open adoption:
http://adopting.adoption.com/child/open-adoption.html
http://www.kir.org/adoption/benefits-of-open-adoption.html
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/benefits.html
http://www.lfsneb.org/adoptionservices/adoption/infant/benefits.asp
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
