The "Openness" of Open Adoption

The term “open adoption” means different things to different adoptive families, largely due to the birth mother's preferences. For our daughter, her adoption is considered “open” yet we have no contact with her birth mom. We do send pictures and letter twice a year—at the birth mother’s request prior to completing the adoption paperwork—but that’s it, even though we are in the Chicago area, where Ava was born, once a year. We have tried reaching out, to no avail; we’d like have some contact for Ava’s sake.

Enter Kamari, baby number two, and holy cow, “open” adoption has taken on a whole new meaning. As I understand it from our adoption coordinator, this is what open adoption truly is/should be; having not been through this, it’s a bit of an adjustment right now and will take a little getting used to.

So let me back up briefly. We were introduced to our birth parents (yes; birth mother and birth father—not the norm) back in May and then officially matched (i.e. they officially chose us) in June. We didn’t go public with this—even to our families—until the baby was almost born because, well, we’d had one fall through at the 11th hour and we didn’t know how this would turn out.

The cool thing about being matched a few months before the baby was due was that it allowed us time to get to know the birth family (which is the point of open adoption) on our own, without a bunch of questions, raised eyebrows, or the like from family and friends. The concept of open adoption is very difficult for some to wrap their head around, as evident by the hoards of awfully strange (and sometimes inappropriate) questions I get asked all the time.

With open adoption, you have a contractual agreement, which may state how many visits per year you will have with the birth mom (and birth dad if he’s in the picture), how many letters and pictures you’ll send yearly, etc. This is mostly a way to ensure the birth family will be able to obtain some level of contact after the baby is born, the point of “open” adoption. [Note: if you are reading this and thinking this is just too much to handle, domestic (open) adoption my not be for you—it’s important to know your limits, as well as what you’re potentially in for.]

Many family and friends are surprised by our agreement and how many times we “have” to see the birth family. I don’t think of it as “having” to see them. They are our friends now; they are part of our family and will be for a long, long time. I think of them like an aunt and uncle, or really close friends that your child might call aunt of uncle. And, if I stopped to think about how many times a year I see some of my family and friends, I’m sure I’d be surprised by that number—but you don’t think of it that way with friends and family.

In any case, it is different and does take some getting used to. For example, when they are cooing over the baby and calling themselves mom and dad, I sort of feel like a third wheel, which is awkward—obviously I’m not a third wheel; I am mommy.

Also, we are only two months in and see the birth parents a bit more than anticipated (we’re trying to be accommodating knowing this is hard for them). But I know it won’t be this way forever. Right now it’s just so new for everyone. And, the bittersweet reality is that our happiness is their loss. I know for me, that realization helped put a different perspective on the situation; one I hadn’t previously dealt with, with our daughter’s situation. It’s not that I didn’t realize the joy I was experiencing was at the expense of someone else’s loss, it’s that that someone else what not right in front of me on a regular basis.

I am 100% in support of open adoption for many, many reasons. Now that I’m in the thick of it, though, it’ll take some getting used to, but I know the little bit of sacrifice I’ll need to make to add in two more people (people who gave us the gift of life) to our busy lives will be worth it in the long run.

Can I Borrow Your Shoes?

Being an adoptive mom, I've been asked what I think about the Anita Tedaldi situation. She is the woman would knowingly adopted a child with issues (knowingly being a key word here), and then after 18 months, claimed she wasn't attaching to the baby (and vice versa), and placed him for adoption again.

I learned long ago--especially having been through two adoptions--not to judge anyone unless you have walked in their exact shoes. Cliche, but most definitely true. We, as outsiders, can have no possible way of knowing what someone is going through, thinking, experiencing, feeling, or what circumstances influence the decisions and choices they make.

That said, because my personal opinion was asked, here's how this whole thing makes me feel: disheartened. I believe that when you adopt, that child is your forever child (as they say in the adoption world), just as if you'd birthed the child yourself. And, just like with biological children, you never quite know what you're going to get (for lack of a better way to say it). Some biological children don't attach to their biological parents, and vice versa. Some biological children have severe issues. We just don't have much, if any, control over these things.

But we do have control over how we handle the situations and issues that life throws our way. Maybe Anita Tedaldi really does feel she did what was best for the child; I don't know because I'm not her and I don't know what the situation was really like.

That said, in her own words on the Today show, she said, "I tried to do the same thing [for D] I did with my biological children." I doubt she would have placed a biological child for adoption who wasn't attaching.

Let's just hope there's more to the story than we know and that D has found a loving home. And for the adoption community, let's just hope this doesn't set us back.

Update

I have been quite remiss in posting as of late, but I have exciting news...we brought home our son (baby number two) on August 30!

I have much to write about regarding the experience, the name, having two, etc. I will be back up and running soon.

Thanks for staying tuned...

AKD

What’s in a Name, Part 2

This isn’t the first time I’ve blogged about names and naming a child, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. This is a new angle (at least for me) on the whole naming thing, though. Just some random thoughts and unsolicited advice.

Basically, I’ve always found it a little odd when people don’t want to tell anyone the name(s) they’ve chosen for their baby. Why not? Afraid someone might steal it? I hate to break it to you, but unless you made up the name completely, you aren’t the first to name your child that and you certainly won’t be the last. At least this is how I’ve thought about it in the past.

Or maybe you’re afraid people won’t like the name. Until recently, I didn’t get that either. I mean come on, if someone doesn’t like the name, who cares? Obviously you like it or you wouldn’t have chosen in. Names are personal and very subjective—not everyone’s going to like the name you chose. If you like it, that’s all that matters. (As long as you aren’t naming the kid after a type of fruit or a motorized vehicle. But hey, that’s just my opinion.)

Now that my husband and I have been discussing names—in the hopes of having a little one, one of these days—I finally get it.

For some reason, people feel at liberty to tell you exactly how they feel about a name when you’re just trying it on for size. Whereas, if you tell people the name you’ve chosen after the baby is born, they’ll likely not say anything negative. This won’t stop them from saying it behind your back, to your friends or family, but at least you won’t have to hear it.

There’s a certain comfort, if that’s the right word, in being shielded from people’s true feelings on a name you’ve chosen. The last thing you want to deal with as a new parent is worrying that you’ve somehow done your child a disservice by bestowing upon him/her a name your mother’s best friend’s sister doesn’t like. Really.

To all the parents and soon-to-be-parents: Pick a name and be proud. Share it confidently and don’t ask for anyone’s opinion or seek approval.

To friends and family: Bite your tongue when a friend or family member shares a chosen name with you that you don’t like. Just be thankful no one’s going to call you by that name.

I’ll leave you with this very profound English proverb:

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

All You Need are (Positive) Words

Did anyone hear the segment on Talk of the Nation (NPR) a few weeks back about the prolific use (particularly in middle schoolers) of the phrase, “That’s so gay,” and it’s implications on gay kids, society, etc.? It reminded me of a recent conversation my husband had with a seven year old neighbor girl who asked, “Was Ava adopted?” And then concluded, “So, her mom didn’t want her?”

Being only seven, we know the girl meant no harm by the question/comment. But it was what is commonly referred to as a “teachable moment” which got me thinking. Not only was it a teachable moment for the seven year old, but one for us as well.

As I thought about how to help arm Ava with a response—one that she’s comfortable with—to these types of comments, I also thought about how prior to having a child, I would have never thought to talk with my children about the appropriate choice of words when asking potentially sensitive questions. Or how phrases (like, “that’s so gay”) can be interpreted by some.

We as parents have a responsibility to help our kids navigate though language and word choice, and that becomes especially apparent as an adoptive parent. I am not naïve, I don’t think we can control everything our kids say—nor should we try—but we are obligated to ensure they understand the implications of the words they choose, whether you’re an adoptive parent or not.

There are a lot of adoption resources out there (especially on the web) that list what’s considered “positive adoption language.” While it is important to be aware of this language and use it—especially as an adoptive parent; sometimes we don’t get it right either!—it is also important to have open and honest discussions with your child(ren), whether they were adopted or not, to help them understand these phrases, what they mean, why/how they can be hurtful, etc.

I still get really inappropriately worded questions asked of me, about Ava’s adoption, from adults. It’s amazing to me some of the things that come out of people’s mouths, so how can we expect our children to phrase things respectfully and appropriately?

It all starts with awareness. Sometimes people have no idea how their questions or comments are perceived. I realize that, and I know most people mean no harm by their questions. But I’m also surprised. If we just take half a second to think before speaking sometimes, we might realize how a particular question could be perceived by—and be hurtful to—the person being asked.

It’s our job—not just as adoptive parents, but as parents and educators, in general—to help people, especially children, understand their word choice. True, part of this is due to the fact that we’ve become so “P.C.” about everything; in some cases I think we’ve taken it to the extreme.

But when it comes to word choice that can have a profoundly negative impact on another human being, we need to be more sensitive. Ah, those little life lessons.

References to Adoption

Since adopting, I have a heightened awareness to the mention of adoption or adoption related issues in books, TV, and movies. What I may not have paid too much attention to in the past, now often saddens, irritates, or frustrates me.

I’m currently reading a great fiction book that I am thoroughly enjoying. That is, until I got the part where the young couple is trying desperately to conceive a baby and the husband suggests adoption (which I was thinking, as they went through five miscarriages). The woman says simply: “no, that seems fake; somehow cheating.” Huh?

Wow. Do some people actually think that? That is so sad. I’m not really even sure what to say to that.

To me, the most important thing has always been loving, caring for, and raising a child. Makes no difference to me where that child came from (my belly or someone else’s); my child is my child. Physically giving birth to a child doesn’t make you any more or less of a parent than adopting a child. And it most certainly is not cheating or by any means fake.

How our families are made—be that by choice, circumstance, or any other way—is what it is. We are family and we are real.

It’s okay to say, “hey, that’s not okay” when we see or hear adoption being talked about in ways that are disrespectful or the like. One of the things that comes with adoption is adoption advocacy (thankfully, I love to advocate, loudly, for the things I am most passionate about!); it’s our job to help educate the general public, for the sake of our children—they need to see us advocating for them in a positive manner.

We can start by educating ourselves, then our families, followed by our friends. Then maybe we’ll start to see some positive adoption references in the media and in books, on TV and in movies.

Go forward and advocate!

My Unconventional Family

A couple of months ago, I attended my niece’s wedding and discovered (or rediscovered, rather), to my utter delight, just how truly unconventional my family really is. In attendance were: my daughter (transracially-adopted at birth), my niece’s estranged father’s second ex-wife (her father was not there), my mother (no blood relation to my niece, but rather the ex-step-mom of my niece’s mom, my half-sister), my mother’s step-father (no blood relation to my niece or sister, but whom my sister still calls “grampa”), and various other oddly related—or not related at all—relatives.

At one point my mother commented on what a dysfunctional family we have. Dysfunctional? I questioned. No way—we’re actually quite functional. Unconventional? Most definitely. What our family—as odd as it may seem to outsiders—has effectively done is weed out the “bad seeds” and keep all the good ones. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

A family is a family, no matter how you came to be. If it works for you, nothing else matters. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything.