June 03, 2009

What is the Magic Number?

I always thought I wanted at least two children, maybe three. But things are just not working out (it’s been a year and a half since trying to adopt a second child) and maybe the “plan” is for us to have only one. I’m not feeling sorry for myself; I don’t work that way. I’m just trying to be honest with myself, and prepare myself (as best I can) for what the future may hold.

Let’s face it; I’m not getting any younger. I know people have kids at a lot older age than I am now, but I do not want to be 40 bringing home an infant (and, well, 40 isn’t that far away). And, we’ve got a great thing going right now: a wonderful, amazing four-year-old daughter that we feel so lucky to have, we can afford to do things we might not be able to afford with two (or three) kids (like vacations!), and we’re comfortable. By that I mean, we’ve got our “routine” down and we’re all three having a great time together.

But I have to admit, I finally understand how those women who have one or two children—but desperately want another child—feel. For the longest time, I couldn’t help but think, “Get over it, Ladies! You have one (or two) wonderful children at home. If you want another so badly and can’t get pregnant, adopt already.”

Ah, the irony of it all.

It breaks my heart to write this, let alone think it. I really feel I’m meant to parent more than one child. And I don’t want people assuming I’m feeling sorry for myself. I appreciate the sentiment and support of my family and friends—I truly do—and I know people are just trying to help when they tell me to be patient or that “good things come to those who wait.”

But having gone through this process before (though with our daughter, the whole process took just barely nine months), I know all to well that we adoptive parents do a whole lot of waiting. And let’s face it; waiting for some unknown or unforeseen future is really hard to do.

Actually, it sucks.

You feel like your life is on hold. You move along with your day to day stuff, but you don’t want to make any really big future decisions (like whether or not I should start grad school in the Fall) until you know for certain whether or not a child will be joining your family. Life just feels so unsettled.

So, for now I suppose I’ll just stay the course and try to prepare myself as best as I can (as I continue waiting) for all the possibilities: that one, two, or maybe even three child(ren) are in future.


Mommy-in-Waiting said...

We just had our first adoption fall apart, and I am left wondering if maybe I am not meant to be a mother at all. Today is my first day back at work, and I am trying to keep my head up, but adoption is awful. And you are right - I always say to people complaining that they can't get pregnant that they should look into adoption, but there's no guarantee there either. For now, we are hoping for the best and trying to stay positive about getting another call soon. But I definitely understand where you are coming from. Keep the faith, and enjoy your daughter.

A K Drew said...

I am so, so sorry to hear you had an adoption fall through. I know too well the sadness and heartache that comes with that, and I can imagine how you must be feeling--I am sorry. But I don't think adoption is awful; I hope you don't really think so either. We had a wonderful experience with our first adoption--everything ran smoothly and it happened in less than nine months (from the first time we contacted the agency to the day we brought our daughter home). Our experience this time around is different because we have very specific parameters in place, and we are willing to wait (though we did not think it would take this long, and may not have if we'd switched agencies, but we love our agency).

With adoption I'd say there is probably a 95% or better chance of it working out. You have to believe that the baby meant for you is out there. As hard as it is to understand "why" when one falls through, you have to believe there is a reason. It is so hard to do, I know. Please, just hang in there--adoption is a WONDERFUL thing!!!

Good luck!

Sally Bacchetta said...

It's SO sad when adoptions fall through. After waiting exactly nine months to adopt our daughter, we had 2 adoptions fall through and 1 close call in the 2 years we waited for our son. You better believe I questioned whether or not we were meant to have a 2nd child. Apparently we were, because I've got his warm spit up on my shoulder right now!

During the wait I stopped praying and visualizing another baby, because it was making me crazy. Instead I focused on enriching our family life and making sure I wallowed in the daily miracles.

Best to both of you!

chantel said...

i've just looked up your blog after seeing what you wrote featured in the adoptive families magazine...about not being interested in being pregnant. that is so me! i never even wanted that. so we adopted transracially 2 years ago. i want another one so bad but with the crappy economy and the loan for our first adoption looming over our heads we realized it was just not realistic for us to proceed with the second adoption. i had started the paper work when my son was only 9 months old! and have been grieving ever since. some days are of course better than others...but i get a lot of comments like "well if you hadn't chosen such and expensive choice for building a family in the first place..." or "why don't you just try for a biological child then?" ha! that's probably like telling a woman going through infertility to just give up and try an adoption isn't it? i feel like i can identify with the other parents at my agency now! just backwards! and a lot of people think i'm just being ungrateful for the one i have. no...i just want another one. i totally get it! what do you do with these feelings? ~chantel. p.s. i'm so glad you blog about the things i think and feel! i can turn people to what you've written when i don't know how to explain myself better!