What's In a Name?

Shakespeare tells us that a rose by another other name still smells as sweet. True. But, names are very personal. And when you don’t have full control over naming your child—something that couples who biologically birth their kids have probably never thought off—that, well, kind of stinks.

There are arguments for both sides. Adoption agencies often promise birth moms naming rights, in an effort to help make the difficult, selfless decision to place a child for adoption just a little less difficult. I can understand that, I can. But at the same time, this will be your child. You will be raising this child and calling them by their given name for life. What if you can’t get behind the name a birth mother chooses?

In an ideal (adoption) world, birth moms and forever families (as we fondly refer to ourselves) come up with a name—or two, first and middle—together. But still, for what ever reason, naming is a sacred “right,” or so we are taught to believe, and even a privilege bestowed upon us as parents. It is not something taken lightly, for most people (your average celebrity not withstanding). So yes, it is sad and it does stink when we can’t name our own children. And yes, of course I am happy to have a child, so does it really matter that child’s name? (I’m a little tired of hearing comments from well-intentioned friends and family, can you tell?) It does matter, a little.

To Shakespeare’s credit, we will always love our child(ren) no matter if their name is Pilot Inspektor (actor Jason Lee’s son) or Ella, but there is just something about being able to give the gift of a name to your child. Something magical and wonderful. Though, by the same token—even though it would not have been my first choice—our birth mother gave our daughter her middle name, and that is a great gift our daughter will always have from her birth mother (we were able to give our daughter her first name, the name we call her by).

So then, why is it so important to have control over naming our children? Is that it, an issue of “control?” I’m not sure I can answer that. I think it’s the personal aspect of the whole thing. You spend all this time conjuring up a name for your child—possibly a family name, maybe one you’ve made up, or even one from your favorite character in a book—and then to be told, “Sorry. Yes this is your child, but she’s been named for you.” That stings a little.

But hey, welcome to the world of adoption, where the pros most definitely, hands-down out-weigh the cons by a mile, but the cons offer ups some scenarios you might not have ever considered.

Still Sad After All These Months

It’s been five months since we didn’t bring home Ava’s birth sibling. And it still hurts. Even though I am a firm believer in that you and the baby meant to be yours will find each other, it still sucks waiting. Especially when everything indicated that we would be bringing home a son last August.

Now we wait, and debate whether or not to look at different agencies since the one we are working with doesn’t place many children of color. As much as we want a boy, more importantly, we don’t want Ava to be the only family member of a different color. Maybe she couldn’t care less when she gets older, (she’s too young to understand now), but I feel very strongly about adopting another child of color. Not just black (although that is probably my preferred choice), Hispanic, mixed race, or the like is okay by us.

This is not meant to offend anyone or make anyone feel sorry for us, but people who have not adopted, have no idea what it’s like to not know when you might have a child. To not know whether or not you can name that child (think about it—naming is hugely important and when you adopt, you don’t always get to name your child). To have little or no control over most aspects of starting or growing your family. There is so much more, so much, that people adopting have to go through just to get on a waiting list, but it's too exhuasting to list it all out.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself—I wouldn’t change my experience for anything in the world; I have the most wonderful, beautiful, and amazing child there is (of course I’m bias!). And some might try to argue that couples going through infertility treatments are in the same boat. (I will have to respectfully disagree, and perhaps touch on that at a later date). But the waiting, the not knowing, the uncertainty, it hurts.

Adopting is tough; you have to be a strong person. But it is worth it. An interesting, heart-breaking, up-lifting, unique journey that is making me a better person. Or so I tell myself.

It Takes Two...

I was recently asked to write a book review for Adoption Mosaic, the fantastic organization for which I serve on the program committee. I chose to write about And Tango Makes Three, a wonderful book about Roy and Silo, two chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York City, who have been a couple since 1998.

In a nutshell, it’s a story about the love it takes to be a family. Penguin couples can generally only care for one egg at a time, so in 2000, when another penguin couple laid two eggs, Roy Gramzay, their keeper, gave one egg—and Roy and Silo—a chance to be a family.

Roy and Silo watched the other penguins build a nest and hatch an egg, then did the same with the egg Mr. Gramzay brought to them. They take turns caring for the egg and one day it hatches. Mr. Gramzay named the baby Tango, “because it takes two to make a Tango.” Tango is the first penguin at the zoo to have two daddies.

While working on my review, out of curiosity, I went to Amazon to see what other readers had to say about the book and I came across this lovely gem by “conservative mother”:

“This is disgusting. What is the world coming to when we have filth like this being given to our children. All this book is going to do is confuse them!”

(did I mention it's a book about penguins?!)

As a parent, and especially an adoptive parent, I was furious. This is simply a story about family bonds, and the dedication and determination Roy and Silo exhibit during their quest to raise a family. This story will help introduce children to the different ways families are created—an extremely important thing in today’s culture where families are made up of parents of different colors, two moms or two dads, and so on.

Of course I had to post a response:

“What a sad world for children to grow up in when someone finds a book about wanting to be a family ‘disgusting.’ This wonderful true story teaches children that families and love come in all different packages (think adoption, single parents, being raised by grandparents). The only ‘filth’ are comments of intolerance such as yours that have no place in a book review. My child (who happens to have been adopted) loves this book and is not the least bit confused by it.”

So, there you have it. I recommend this book to anyone—it’s a wonderful story.

Back on Track

Okay, it's time for me to get back on track and focus on what I'd intended this blog to discuss: adoption related issues, and in particular, transracial adoption stuff.

Just so you know, November is National Adoption Awareness Month and November 15 is National Adoption Day. Let's begin with a brief history.

Apparently "adoption is an ancient arrangement" practiced by Greeks, Romans Egyptians, etc., though the concept of adoption was not legally recognized in the US until the 1850s* (Trivia question: what state enacted the first adoption statute? Massachusetts).

Moving on...my hope, through this blog, is to help bring adoption to the forefront of people's minds, help people understand (and appreciate) appropriate language when referring to children/people who have been adopted, and see adoption as a viable--and wonderful--option for building a family. Phew. I have a lot of work to do.

So, what kinds of things could you do during Adoption Awareness Month? Too much to post in one blog, but you can start with becoming more aware about adoption in general. Talk with someone you know who has adopted a child. Learn about their experiences, their fears, and their unforgettable moments.

Most importantly, know that families are made in all kinds of ways (two moms; two dads; one mom, one dad; single parents, grandparents as guardians)--adoption is just one very wonderful way to build a family.



*The History of Adoption: http://www.researchetcinc.com/historyofadoption.html

Riding the (Emotional) Roller Coaster

It takes a strong person to adopt. I'm not bragging--I have a wonderful daughter through adoption--I'm just telling it like it is. I'll admit, I've always considered myself a strong person, but really, I had no idea what that meant. There's something about the emotional journey you go through when preparing for and anticipating the homecoming of your child. Waiting is hard for most people; it's especially hard waiting to grow your family and having no idea when that might happen.

We recently had an adoption fall through. That's not uncommon--just one of the realities of adoption. But this particular child, our daughter's birth sibling, was near and dear to our hearts, and it was especially devastating for this adoption to fall through. My strength has really come into question during this whole ordeal. I got angry and full of self-pity. I wanted to blame someone. I was hurt. I'm still depressed. But I know deep down that the baby that was meant to come home to us will, in time. That's what I mean about being strong. When adopting, you just have to believe that what was meant to be will be. Otherwise, you probably could never get off this emotional roller coaster ride.

I can't image someone being able to fully understand what it's like to adopt having not gone through it themselves. People don't realize how things they say about birth moms come out. They don't realize what it's like to possibly not name your child. They don't realize the emotional toll or financial burden placed on a family.

I'm not sharing all this with the world in the hopes of receiving pity or to make anyone feel bad. Our daughter is the greatest thing that could have ever happen to us, and bringing her home was made possible through adoption. But I do hope to help educate people and highlight some adoption related issues throughout this blog. That's one of the reasons I wanted to start it.

Stay tuned for more on the whole adoption thing in the near future.

Living the Dream (how cliche!)

So, my background is in communications/PR/marketing, and anyone in that industry knows that when the economy turns, companies (stupidly) cut marketing dollars, and, well, lay-offs occur. Over the course of the 11+ years I've been in this industry, I've gone through three. Most recently, this past May.

The good news is that I'd been wanting to do something else anyway, and this last lay-off was the catalyst I needed to do what I really want to be doing: writing full time.

Writing has always been a part of my 9-5, and I've written (and been lucky enough to get published) a fair amount freelance articles, but now I get to stay home and work on my novel, while doing some freelance writing.

Yes, I feel a tinsy bit of guilt, and yes I am still looking daily for a new job, but I am loving my daily routine right now: get up, take the dog for a power walk (you know, get the heart rate up), shower, eat breakfast and enjoy a cup of tea, and then sit down at my computer to write. I am so happy, it's ridiculous. The only reason I don't feel more guilty, as my husband takes our daughter to daycare each morning, before heading off to a job he's not in love with, is that I know all of this will soon change, and my dream with be over, temporarily.

We are expecting baby number two--through adoption--any day now and when that baby comes, sleep will become my dream "job." For now though, I will continue writing my novel, fast and furious, and see where it takes me.