What is the Magic Number?

I always thought I wanted at least two children, maybe three. But things are just not working out (it’s been a year and a half since trying to adopt a second child) and maybe the “plan” is for us to have only one. I’m not feeling sorry for myself; I don’t work that way. I’m just trying to be honest with myself, and prepare myself (as best I can) for what the future may hold.

Let’s face it; I’m not getting any younger. I know people have kids at a lot older age than I am now, but I do not want to be 40 bringing home an infant (and, well, 40 isn’t that far away). And, we’ve got a great thing going right now: a wonderful, amazing four-year-old daughter that we feel so lucky to have, we can afford to do things we might not be able to afford with two (or three) kids (like vacations!), and we’re comfortable. By that I mean, we’ve got our “routine” down and we’re all three having a great time together.

But I have to admit, I finally understand how those women who have one or two children—but desperately want another child—feel. For the longest time, I couldn’t help but think, “Get over it, Ladies! You have one (or two) wonderful children at home. If you want another so badly and can’t get pregnant, adopt already.”

Ah, the irony of it all.

It breaks my heart to write this, let alone think it. I really feel I’m meant to parent more than one child. And I don’t want people assuming I’m feeling sorry for myself. I appreciate the sentiment and support of my family and friends—I truly do—and I know people are just trying to help when they tell me to be patient or that “good things come to those who wait.”

But having gone through this process before (though with our daughter, the whole process took just barely nine months), I know all to well that we adoptive parents do a whole lot of waiting. And let’s face it; waiting for some unknown or unforeseen future is really hard to do.

Actually, it sucks.

You feel like your life is on hold. You move along with your day to day stuff, but you don’t want to make any really big future decisions (like whether or not I should start grad school in the Fall) until you know for certain whether or not a child will be joining your family. Life just feels so unsettled.

So, for now I suppose I’ll just stay the course and try to prepare myself as best as I can (as I continue waiting) for all the possibilities: that one, two, or maybe even three child(ren) are in future.